So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
