first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
