My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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