we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
