I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
