The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
