toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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