this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
