she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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