when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
