A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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