I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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