One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Terrible idea I love it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
