Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
