You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
