i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
is it fun? or sober?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize