so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
