im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
