Small penises have feelings too.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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