Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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