I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
