yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
