Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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