Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think i have two assholes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
