all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
pop tarts are not kleenex
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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