watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
