OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
