Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
