I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
