Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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