I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am one with the molecules
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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