Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
