I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
