I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
