Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I want to be your penis for a week.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
