wrigley field is MILF paradise
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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