Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
