I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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