so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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