She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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