...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize