Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
this is an emotional support booty call
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
