Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
