swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
