You're my little dorito
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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