Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize