The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I want to be your penis for a week.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
