We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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