like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
