I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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