I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
