i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
