he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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