Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
