heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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