meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
