I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
