Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize