yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
