Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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