she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize