Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
