The maid of honor just puked.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize