Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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