I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
