and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
