when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
