maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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