I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
