so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
