Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
is it fun? or sober?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
