was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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