I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
