If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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