my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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