my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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